Scoring points! I love Kim!

Change

Michael Jackson's dead.

Suddenly, his songs are being played everywhere more frequently than ever.

This event has some relationship to what I'm feeling. A change. The feeling of something missing.

I kept listening to his songs on repeat mode for the following song:-


Another day has gone
I’m still all alone
How could this be
You’re not here with me

You never said goodbye
Someone tell me why
Did you have to go
And leave my world so cold
Everyday I sit and ask myself
How did love slip away
Something whispers in my ear and says

That you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though you’re far away
I am here to stay

But you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though we’re far apart
You’re always in my heart

Just the other night
I thought I heard you cry
Asking me to come
And hold you in my arms
I can hear your prayers
Your burdens I will bear
But first I need your hand
Then forever can begin

Ironically, I'm the one that went away, I'm the burden. But like the lyrics in the song, I am not alone. My actions made both of us suffer. I should be the only that should face the consequences. I'm the perpetrator. Why did I subject you to all these nonsense.

Trust is what I've lost. Big time. I don't know if I can ever win back her trust, or even half the trust. But I'll try. Just the other night, I really think I heard you cry. The crap that I did and put you through.

One day. Change.

Work work

Yes, work week begins today and I'm flooded with tons of work.

My smoking cessation campaign has flopped yesterday and today although the number of cigarettes per have decreased tremendously to 2-3 sticks per day. Excellent! The next target is achieving ZERO by Thursday and continue for as long as I can.

Temptations exists everywhere and I must learn to resist. I shall resist. I will survive.

The second weekend alone. How dumb can a person be a make himself feeling lonely and empty?

Me, that's right. Dumb ass. Time to wake up.

Saving Grace

Saving Grace happens to be the topic for the day.

Saving Grace is the title of a TV series but to me, it means something else. Looking deeper into the title, saving grace may not be the direct action, instead saving myself seems to be the direct initiative leading to the eventual of saving grace.

I have gone through a series of shit recently, God knows what exactly happened. I know I have to somehow learn the hard way, I complicated things and guess what, I end up becoming the complicated guy. Kinda stupid indeed. Afterall, I was told to keep things simple, may be too late but it's never too late, I shall keep things simple from now on.

Notwithstanding the recent revelations, I am still immersed in self blame. I am fully responsible for my actions that is why I am suffering for my consequences. I have no one else to blame because no one forced me to do anything. I had a choice and decided to make that certain choice leading to this path. It's a difficult path but I chose it and have to walk down that road. There is no turning back.

So is Saving Grace important to me? I certainly think so. But in order to save grace, I need to save myself from all the complications. That way, I can offer the most simple me.

Am I ready? I'm not. There's still so much self guilt going thru my head that I simply cannot forgive myself. I lied. I disappoint. I forsake. All these sins are enough to dump me to hell. But living in guilt in not the way to move on. I need to grow. I will grow. I must grow.

I hate nonsense. No more nonsense from now on.



Day 1 without cigarettes.

Never again

Never again.

Never again will I be who I am. Never again will be somebody I don't know or recognise.

I looked at myself in the mirror this few days and I learnt that I have changed. I became a monster whom I am ashamed of and is sick to the core. The world around me has changed except for one thing. One person. That person, however, is not me.

I became the worst nightmare and I was the nightmare to not only myself. I cannot forgive myself. I cannot foresee myself doing so. Even I am forgiven, I am still waiting for the day when I have forgiven myself.

I may start afresh. I may rot in hell. I may have to work doubly hard. I may slack and fade away, like I did. Never will I be the same. Never again.

The moment I tripped, I let myself fall. I thought that was funny at first but the pain sets in after awhile. The pain has grown so much that I feel numb yet it still hurts. Can you imagine this pain on the receipient? The defenseless receipient.

Never again will I go down same road. Never again. My feelings for myself will be the same again. I detest myself. For what? For all the things I have done. I have somehow forgot about the beginnings. I forgot how nice I was, or I thought I was. What was I thinking? What the hell was I thinking? I remember when I spent money (I had little then) on lip balm. I remember going for impromptu weekend to Sentosa for the luge ride. I remember the first time we quarreled and things just flew. I remember when we made up. I remember the days when you were the love of my life. I remember the day when you sent me off. I remember the days when I visit. I remember the days you visited me. I remember the days when you came back as and when you could. I remember how you wished you didn't have to go and stay by my side. I remember how excited you were when you told me you are coming back for good. I remember a lot more, a lot more clearly.

I have forgotten all of the above in the past few months. I remembered them in these recent months too. The latter being more recent. Never again will I forget. No matter what the outcome is. I cannot remember what our song is but I do recall "Fade Into You" which we listened to when we went out for our first date. How I wish I will always fade into you, and only you. Never again.

The two words, "Never again" is so etched in my mind the whole day. I fucked everything up so badly. No amount of tears is enough to salvage the situation. It's coming to a week tomorrow. I can never forget that very night when I see you shatter into a million pieces. And I was responsible. Your face. Your disappointment. The love of your life stabbing you right in your heart. Never again.

If I could change into monster. I hope God can change me. I am willing to change. I want to change. Please give me strength to change for the better. I deserted you but I have always believed in you. Oh merciful Lord, please forgive me and heal her. Heal her pain and sorrow. Build up her confidence and bless her at all times not to make the same mistake again. Please bless her with the nicest man that she so rightly deserves. It's time for me to grow up. I have grown.

God, please make me wiser as I have been unwise.;
Make me mature as I was child-like and naive;
Make me sensitive as I was heartless;
Give me strength as I was weak;
May I seek solace in you as I never did in a long time;
Give me the power and endurance to love again and never give up;
Amen.


I just want to let you know that I will never hurt you again. Never again.

Hilarious Test Exam Answers

Chanced upon a stupid website... But absolutely hilarious... Laughing my balls off..

http://my.mmoabc.com/article/Punch/1756/Top-10-Most-Hilarious-Test-Exam-Answers.html?login=no

Have a good laugh!!

And so it is... (Saffi's favourite song when she was young)

My oh my... My last post was sooooooooooo loooooooooong ago... Haha.. So here comes the rather long post about my Saffi and her step brothers...

After my tuition with Lishan, Vivien's sister, I had to go upstairs to see Saffi... My Ah Girl...



*YAWN* What took you so long? I was about to sleep...



Saffi: Today i learned ABC... That's all... A for Elliot! B for Oscar and C for Chappi!!!

Elliot chased me around just now... So i forgot the rest already...

*Sigh* Why must he bully me?? sob sob...



Saffi: I don't wanna live anymore!!!!! I don't know my EFGMNSQUPOIJDVT...........



Me: Don't worry k... Daddy sayang...



Saffi: *Using her mesmerising eyes to psycho me to help her *

Me: *Not looking*

HAHAHAHAHA...



Me: Hi Oscar... Are you willingto help me avenge Saffi's stupidity?



Oscar: Oei... Don't anyhow touch me hor... I dunno you... I dunno what happened.. Don't ask me to do anything.. I dunno... The baby inside Elliot is not mine!!! I didn't do anything...

Me: Hmmm... Why so defensive? I didn't even asked about Elliot's baby... OK... Seems like i have to do it all alone then...

KIIIIIIAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!



*POW!!!*

Elliot: Kick me!! Yes! Harder!! I like it harder....



*BISH!!!*

Elliot: AaahhHHh... I like it with the fist too... Hurry... before Oscar finds out...




Me: Sayang sayang Saffi... No more excuses for your stupidity k??
Saffi: K!

And so it is... ...